Pancho’s Notes for Death Race 2000

Here’s my viewing guide for this stinker if anyone wants to punish themselves by watching it.

  1. Roger Corman & David Carradine! This should be PAINFUL!!!
  2. Opening credits look like they were done by an elementary school art class.
  3. Well, the first minute is certainly weird enough: a high school band plays the Star Spangled Banner at a stadium, a guy watching is holding a Nazi flag, and then the Pope steps up to bless everyone. This is gonna be a roller coaster ride!!!
  4. The Pope is wearing ribbons that also look like they were made by elementary school art class.
  5. This movie is so ’70’s! It’s like watching Saturday Night Fever with race cars.
  6. Five minutes in and I like no one in this film so far.
  7. They really reached deep to come up with character names for this one: Calamity Jane, Mr. Frankenstein, Nero.
  8. And we have young Sly Stallone wearing a pink tie!
  9. Seriously, David Carradine is playing a guy named Frankenstein who dresses like The Gimp from Pulp Fiction. The jokes just write themselves!!
  10. Correction: The Gimp from Pulp Fiction wearing a Darth Vader helmet.
  11. Actually, it’s the helmet from the robot in Metropolis. I’ve got that movie poster on my wall, so I can confirm this!
  12. This movie is like a head on collision of Mad Max and Cannonball Run.
  13. I see where they got the idea for the old video game Carmeggedon.
  14. So, the drivers in this “race”get extra points for taking out spectators (hence the Carmeggedon reference). One guy was just playing matador with one of the drivers. Like that would happen!
  15. The old lady in this movie sounds like Julia Child.
  16. No boobies yet, but this one lady has hers all but hanging out! C’mon Corman, I know you can do this!!
  17. Jesus Christ. The resistance’s TV jamming device is a Jacob’s Ladder.
  18. We have naked people, but they’re positioned in such a way as not to see anything. Roger, I’m disappointed in you.
  19. Disregard that last post!! We have boobies!!!
  20. And Rocky just punched a woman. Lovely.
  21. Frankenstein has a stalker! Maybe Rocky will punch her, too.
  22. Why do I get the feeling this isn’t the first or last time David Carradine wore a full body rubber suit?
  23. It’s amazing how easily this could be turned into an S&M porno.
  24. More boobies!!! Third set so far!
  25. David Carradine just ran over the Pope!!  Time to call the Conclave!!
  26. I shudder to think how gory this would be if it were a Troma film.
  27. Rocky seems to have an anger management issue.
  28. I’ll bet they wrecked as many cars filming this as in a season of the Dukes of Hazard.
  29. New Mexico in this film looks an awful lot like Southern California.
  30. Roger Corman’s movies are notorious for being padded out with walking scenes. In this one, it’s pointless driving scenes. Again, like The Dukes of Hazzard.
  31. And the Nazi drivers were dispatched in a way right out of a Roadrunner cartoon. That’s original!!
  32. Oh Dear God, I think that’s Ray Jay Johnson!!!
  33. Rocky needs to take a stress pill.
  34. Rocky vs. Frankenstein!! He tried to kill me with a forklift!!!
  35. They must have gone through gallons of ketchup to make the blood in this film.
  36. That’s all right, Rocky! You’ll beat him in the sequel.
  37. I really want to punch the all the media people in this movie. And the director. And Roger Corman.
  38. And they just killed the one character I vaguely liked. Thanks movie!!!
  39. And Frankenstein just slipped his lady a roofie. How appropriate.
  40. And I believe they cranked up the film speed to show action! Shades of Human Tornado?
  41. I wish she would make up her mind if she wants to fall in love with Frankenstein or kill him.
  42. Frankenstein has a hand grenade built into his hand. Honestly, you can’t make this stuff up!
  43. Favorite line: “Why do I want to win this race? In the name of HATE!”
  44. And so dies Rocky! He can be angry in heaven now.
  45. That’s how you always want to end a movie: a shot right into David Carradine’s hairy armpit.

Mid-Life Crisis Taskforce #12 – Movies & TV

For your listening pleasure, here is show #12!!

MLCTF Show 12

We discuss underrated music, TV show bands, what we’re watching, and we review the cult classic Death Race 2000If you don’t want to put yourself through the pain of watching the entire film, here it is in under 10 minutes:

Video Game Review – Far Cry 3- Part 2

Hello there my internet friends! It is me Lefty with my second installment of my review of “Far Cry 3”. When we last left off I was just getting into the game play and the features of the game. Well I am about 15 more hours into the game and I have to say I am impressed. My character is really developing and I really get a sense of where this character is heading. My skills have increased and I am able to perform a lot more moves than I was able to before. Having said that, I get the feeling I will be maxing out my character way before I am halfway through with the game. Not sure where I will be if that happens, possibly bored since my character will be able to make it through just about any situation without too much harm. I will have to wait and see if that happens.

I usually have a tendency to plow through a game and finish it way before I have all of the “extras”, but this time I decided to play it slow. I have been working the side quests and I have been building my character’s skills. It has been rewarding and really fun. There is a real sense of achievement after you have rescued an outpost from those nasty rebels. There is also a hunting aspect of the game that is interesting. It provides a way to improve your gear and the gear cannot be bought in the shops. I kind of like that. You really “earn” your rewards with this feature. The action is tight and the AI is OK, better than a lot of games I have played before. Although it is hard to believe that every baddie in the game will make a bee line for any random noise that it hears. Also apparently the bad guys have actual shooting skills and you can die pretty quick if you don’t plan out your attack beforehand. How they can make a bee-line for me from a distance point after I use my sniper rifle is beyond me, but I have found that to be the case in a lot of games.

Overall, I would recommend this game. There is plenty of action and you also can think through attacks. You are not just crashing through with your gun in hand shooting up everything that moves. Although I have done that in a moment or two of panic 🙂 It is not a kid’s game. It is rated “M” so if you have younger ones you might want to steer them away from this game.

Talk you guys again soon!

Lefty

Show Notes for The Human Tornado

If you simply must put yourself through the torture of watching this film, here’s my guide to expect.

  • Let the funkiness begin!!!
  • I hear that Dolomite’s one bad mother… Wait! Wrong movie!
  • Jerry Jones is in this movie! I’d always wondered where he got the money to buy the Dallas Cowboys.
  • And he wrote the screen play!
  • I’m waiting for Fred & Grady to show up in this opening scene.
  • That’s one serious booty shaking there!
  • Is this an action film for a stand-up comedy routine?
  • STOP IT WITH THE JUMP CUTS!!! I’M GETTING WHIPLASH!
  • The movie so far: bad jokes, jump cuts, wardrobe changes, and booty shaking. Where will it go from here?
  • We have white woman!!
  • And now she’s naked!
  • Oh, dear God. I’m assuming at this point every white person in the film is going to be a stereotypically cracker.
  • And one of them’s even named Jethro.
  • The decal on the cop car looks like it’s made of cardboard.
  • Was not expecting to see Dolomite doing a nude scene. And rolling down hill naked, too
  • They cranked up the film speed for the chase scene. Seriously.
  • Caught a glimpse of the Hollywood sign. Only thought redneck cops of this variety only existed south of the Mason-Dixon.
  • One shotgun blast = two cars exploding.
  • Dolomite says they’re gonna run to California. They’re already in California!!!
  • First use of the word “honkey” 20min. In!
  • Now they’re kidnapping a gay white guy and stealing his car. Please don’t let this guy be the comedy relief!
  • Fat woman sitting on a toilet. Something else I didn’t expect to see.
  • I didn’t expect such un-funky music scenes.
  • Ok, that’s better. What any of this has to do with the “plot” is beyond me.
  • We got boobies!! White woman boobies! That’s two sets so far!
  • Make that three sets.
  • What in the name of God is going on here?
  • Whoa!! I just recognized Ernie Hudson! Didn’t think he was ever this young!
  • They didn’t actually have a script for this movie did they? I’m convinced they’re just making this shit up.
  • Second honkey reference at 39min!!
  • I’m waiting for Sly Stone to show up.
  • Now we’ve wandered into an S&M film. Least I don’t expect a plot in one of those.
  • Dolomite’s suit looks like it was made from fabric store remnants.
  • Four sets!! CORRECTION! Make that full frontal!
  • And they’re working out on the bed. Naked. No, not fucking, actually working out. Naked.
  • OK, now they’re fucking.
  • Oh, boy! Redneck sheriff is still alive!
  • Of course the detective’s vacation started two hours ago. I’ll bet he’s two weeks from retirement, too.
  • Queen Bee has a push button phone! That was the height of ’70’s telephone technology.
  • Dolomite conducts seriously negotiations with Tyrone Biggums.
  • So, the bad guy’s wife is a nympho? Bet I know where this is headed.
  • What the ever lasting fuck is going on here? It’s like we’ve wandered into the dream sequence from Twin Peaks!
  • OK, I’ll admit, I didn’t expect that.
  • I love how Queen Bee has a token white girl.
  • Well, our real life martial arts expert has shown up. The bodies ought to start piling up soon.
  • And they sped up the fight scenes too. Jesus.
  • Either Dolomite is making karate sound effects or having a stroke. Hard to figure which.
  • Meanwhile, back in the bondage film…
  • “Don’t touch me! There’s a live grenade between my legs”
  • If the girls were such bad asses, how did they end up in that S&M film?
  • OK. There’s a white guy in a speedo wielding nunchucks. You just can’t make this shit up!
  • Something is happening here, but I’m not sure what.
  • Looks like the massive, movie-ending fight is starting. Strap in everyone!
  • 1hr 23min in before the martial arts guy does anything. Pretty sad.
  • Ernie Hudson is kicking ass at least!
  • Looks like Dolomite is having a stroke again.
  • Red shag carpet just screams the ’70’s!
  • Muhammed Ali could teach Dolomite a thing or two about poetry.
  • Again, stuff is happening, but I can’t figure out what.
  • Wow. That ending made no sense at all.

Video Game Review – Far Cry 3 – Pt. 1

Hello folks! Today I am going to try something new with my video game review. I am going to review his game in stages. These days it is harder for me to sit down and have some solid playing time for my video games. So I try to steal as much time as I can for them. This being the case, I thought, “why not do a step by step review of the game while tracking my progress.” I think it might be a little more interesting than a traditional review , plus it gives me a chance to get a real feel for the game while I tell you guys about it. That being said, here we go.

At first there is a medium length introduction to your character and his situation. He is a rich college kid who gets stuck in this horrible situation with his brother and friends. I will try not to give away any spoilers or too much of the game plot as I go, but it might not be able to be helped depending on the situation. Your character starts out as this greenhorn and from what I can tell so far, he will become this grizzled hard-core soldier. One gets the feeling your character will develop and obviously you will get new skills and weapons as you go, but I am really hoping for a growth in the personality of the character as well. That is lacking in a lot of games. Typically you start out as a Mr. Bad-Ass and you just turn into a bigger bad ass by the end of the game. Hopefully there will be a little more offered with this game.

I have only played about 3 hours so far and it is pretty fun for the most part. There are a ton of side quest (As usual) and of course this develops your character. The main story lie focuses on you rescuing your friends from this island gang that has kidnapped them. It is a free form world. You can walk all around and there is plenty of detail in the surroundings and in the characters. The game play feels solid, the moment is fluid and there is a lot to explore. So far so good!

Not sure how soon, but I will add another part to this review as soon as I can put together a few more hours of play time in this. Drop me a line and let me know how I am doing!

Good luck and happy gaming!

Lefty

Episode #9 – Current events, celebrities in surprising, and a review of “The Human Tornado”

We’re back!!  New content, ahoy!!!

MLCTF Show 9

This week’s B-Movie Review is the Dolomite film, “The Human Tornado”.  It’s bad, bad, bad!!!  Here’s a taste (NSFW):

Outtakes #1: The unedited dramatic reading of “Thrift Shop”

No new episode this week, unfortunately.  Rando caught whatever bug is going around and wasn’t up for recording.  He’s better now, so we should be back on track this week.

In the meantime, enjoy the unedited version of Lefty’s dramatic reading of Macklemore’s magnum opus, “Thrift Shop.”

MLCTF thrift store uncut

And for those that want to follow along at home: