In the frozen minutes between twilight and dawn,
I lay in my bed wondering what went wrong
Between the life I wanted and the life I live.
Wishing I could go back and rewrite my narrative,
But in the end, our script is etched in stone
No going back, no changing what was.
I’m here at work today and as usual my mind and heart are not into it. My cubicle feels like it’s closing in on me. I’m not using the word prison just because there are people in cages now and I know what I’m going through is nothing compared to that. I’m in a sludge of a job. It pays well, so I can’t complain about that. The work swings from mind numbingly boring to banging your head against the wall frustrating. Lately I’ve had this feeling of running away. Dropping it all and starting over. I guess a lot of people my age feel that way. I have no intention of doing it, but the thought pops in my head occasionally.
I’ve noticed that older I get, the less tolerant I am towards the status quo. I’m not becoming more conservative as I get older, but more radical. Well these days radical means you believe in healthcare for all, women’s rights, fair and just treatment of immigrants, free college and basically anything a civilized society can agree upon. In today’s America, that’s radical.
Anyway, this was just a few thoughts floating around my head. I’m trying to be better about posting.
Well it looks like Trump has put his foot firmly in the middle of the mud and slime that is racism. I just keep getting amazed at the shit he says and is allowed to say by his own party. I do need to clarify, I know the Republican Party is full of racist assholes. This goes for the herd that follows Trump to the Republican Leadership. What I mean is there is no word as of yet from Republicans in response to racist rant he had on Twitter Sunday night. The silence says so much at this point. This meathead cannot just go out and say he represents this country. Yes there are racists that are his base. It is those and the Hillary haters that got this idiot elected in the first place. The anger these Republicans must feel towards minorities has to be overwhelming. Their insecurity that the country might not be as white as it once was is sickening. I just hope we can get this fool out of office at the next election.
Circling above wishing I could truly break free,
Visioning what life would have been for you and me.
Sweeping around like the eagle searching for the dawn,
I twist and turn yearning for some sense to be drawn
From the randomness that every new day brings.
I'm drawn to your heart like a moth to the flame
Heart pounding, hands shaking at the sound of your name.
My nights are too cold and the days are too long,
But still I try to fill in the void that comes along
Knowing I'll never see you again.
Good evening everyone. I hope everyone had a great weekend and a relaxing Sunday night. I’m just chilling and watching a little YouTube. This weekend was pretty relaxing. Saturday bummed around and played video games. (Review coming shortly). Today went and saw Spiderman: Far from Home. I will say if you can get past the first 40 minutes, the movie definitely picks up. Jake Gyllenhaal was excellent as Mysterio. I won’t go into much, the movie hasn’t been out that long and I don’t want to spoil it.
So with Sunday Evening comes anxiety. I hate Sunday nights. I dread going to work. I know we all do, but it’s just getting worse the older I get. The thought of 25 more years of this is too depressing for words. I’ll put on my big boy pants tonight and get over it. Just was on my mind. Needed to get it out.
Well that’s all I have tonight. Not much to say. I’m trying to be better at posting. Hopefully you will be seeing more content!
Hello all. Just wanted to write down some thoughts I am having this morning. I’m sitting here at work trying hard not to be whiny because I have to be here today.
My 4th passed by uneventful. I slept a lot of the day, which was great. I didn’t watch any of Trump’s Ego parade and overall I had a nice day off.
Reading the news this morning as any other morning, fills me with anger and frustration over where this country is going. The goose steps towards the far right this country is taking is amazing to me. Hatred for minorities is rampant, concentration camps, stripping down of environmental protections, corporate welfare and so many more openly anti-democratic statements by this government, my head spins at what else can happen.
A lot of people blame Trump for this. Now do not get me wrong, he is everything I hate in a person. He is a misogynist, bigoted and an ignorant asshole however, he is just the end result of years of manipulation by Republicans to take the highly ignorant voting base they have and mold them into this mass of people who hate anything progressive and intellectual. Trump is only one of the symptoms of the disease. Republicans understand the fear and ignorance of the poor, white voter and they also have a great power base with the rich. Combine those two theoretically opposing groups and you can see how the Republicans have become stronger over the years.
It’s always amazing to me how Republicans can take ideas like climate change, immigration, tax cuts and military spending and justify any means to their end. Outright denial of climate change even after almost every scientist on the planet agrees it’s an issue that needs to be addressed soon. Putting families in cages, lying that there are hordes of people marching to get into the USA. Justifying racism under the guise of safety for our country. I also see that trickle down theory is still in place even after corporations have proven they will either sit on their cash or just buy back stocks with the tax cuts given them instead of expanding and creating good jobs. Lastly the military spending this country does is insane. We are in a constant state of war. There’s money to be made on the backs of our soldiers. The real spending for the military should be in the form of better medical services and transition services for soldiers after they come back into the civilian world.
One very important thing I didn’t mention above and I should have (my apologies) is the reproductive rights of women. Republicans have a tendency to think they know what is best for women. Trying to cut off access to much needed help as birth control, Planned Parenthood centers and other educational items speak to their ignorance about women and people. The pro-life obsessed wing nuts lead to such laws as in Alabama where almost all abortions are banned. They want the babies born, but don’t give a shit about what happens to them afterwards. Once again this goes back to education. Teenagers need to be educated about reproduction and be given access to free birth control. Please forgive my crudeness, but teenagers are going to fuck. They are curious about sexuality and sex. Why not educate them and give them the ability to get contraception. You cannot put your head in the sand and pretend that teenagers will abstain from sex until marriage. This is not going to happen. Actually this has never happened. Old people like to pretend they were all chaste and pure but they did the same thing teens do now. The holier than thou attitude needs to stop.
Well I guess that’s enough of the soapbox today. There is so much more I could have written and I will at a later date.
Take care all!!
I’ve been in a funk for the last few days. It crept in and kind of caught me by surprise. Ever had a day where you take stock of things and you don’t like what you see? Some days it’s easier to see the thinks you lack and not the things you have. I guess this is part of the whole mid-life crisis that I’m going through. This week is really the first time I felt that time is slipping away. I’m not old, but I am closer to 50 than I care to be. This has been a rough week as things go, but that normally doesn’t slow me down that much, but I think it has been this particular combination of events that have affected me personally. I applied for a new job, nothing spectacular, basically what I do now but with a different company. That in itself doesn’t bother me, but what hit me is that I’ll be working at least another 20 years in whatever drab job I end up finding. I’ll go into this in another post. Now I just want to concentrate on this week. Another thing that happened is that my wife and I went to visit a former co-worker of hers who is now in hospice. She had kidney and liver failure and has about a month to live. Now let me say I don’t want to turn this person’s situation into something about me. I feel so bad for her and her family. It’s just that seeing her and knowing she will be passing made me realize just how short and fragile our time is on this planet. We don’t know what condition we will end up with over time. Another thing that happened that’s hit me hard, but in a financial way, was the fact I had to pay $1500 to get my car fixed. That was an expense I was not expecting. Add on to the day to day of doing a job I hate and it’s just been a collection of situations that hit me and I wasn’t ready.
The one thought that anchors me and scares me at the same time is the idea that time is the only commodity in your life that really counts. Time has real value. Not just the time that you get paid for at work, but the time you have when you’re away from work. You can make, create, live, love and have your life and time is the commodity that you use to pay for those actions. Do I spend my time worrying about insecurities I have or do I spend my time trying to resolve these things. I have chosen to write about it, using my time to write everything out and try to plant some sort of seed of a solution. Just remember time is a limited commodity, it will eventually run out. Use it wisely no matter your age. I’m sure in a couple more days I’ll get to feeling better, but for now I have a lot to think about.