Tonight

There is a dull hum in my brain tonight.
Thoughts form quickly and fade just as fast.
I stare at a blank wall, not sure what I am looking for
Waiting for a good feeling that will last.

The space between thought and action
Is so wide that I can't make them connect.
I realize more and more these days
That time is winning and my life's in check.

The night will fade into the dawn
As it did yesterday and it will tomorrow.
But I'm more aware of how my time 
Isn't free it is just shorter and borrowed.







I Assume This Thing Still Works

Well it has been a very long time since I sat down to write anything. Been in kind of a long cycle of depression, anxiety and just general malaise. Writing has been the furthest thing on my mind and I think I am the worse for it. Existing not living. That is where I am right now. The weird part, for me, it is not the isolation of the Covid that is getting to me. I can deal with not going out and being at home. What really bothers me about this whole situation is the ignorant ass-hats out there that still are not wearing masks or that still listen to that addled brain moron in the White House. There are so many sick, so many dying and many that have died. A lot of this could have been prevented. The lack of leadership and the callous, calculated way that a certain amount of deaths are “acceptable” makes me sick. I cannot read the news and not get even more depressed with the things going on. I want this to end. I want people to get better. I want everyone to get out and enjoy their life. We can’t and it will be awhile before this will happen. You can’t fight a virus with politics.

Oh, that was just a small vent of what I am feeling. I really need to do a full write up and just let all of what i am feeling out. I am hoping this post will be the start of many more. This is going to be all for right now. I might write a poem or two tonight. I want to get back in the mood to do things.

Everyone stay safe! Please wear your masks and hang in there.

I NEVER HAVE A TITLE

Will their names be remembered?
Or will their stories get lost in time?
Some died alone and some while the world watched.
The truth is ugly
So it is hidden behind lies,
We watch and are suppose to comply
Meanwhile the anger and hate boils up inside.

Our time is short and the time is right
For a change of heart.
Learn to love and learn to feel.
Be a beacon for change,
Just be real.


Rambling On

I dust off these memories just once in a while,
I take them out and waltz them around.
Sometimes I laugh, sometimes I cry,
And I see the things I lost, the things I found.

I try not to live in the past
But these days it's hard not to. 
I roam and I wonder just how this war will be won,
This boat is carrying on water
There's trouble on the border
While we watch the whole thing burn.

The way things were before the hammer fell
Was not govern by either Heaven or Hell
Man is a fool and thinks his will should be done.
If he keeps it up, it's over before it's begun.

Where's the love we are craving?
Why is there only maniacs raving
On our televisions every night? 
 They talk how the other side needs to be beat
But all they show is the outline of a white sheet.





Late Night Thoughts

My eyes are closed, but sleep is a long lost friend
I lay here wondering about my beginnings and my end.
My heart echoes in my ears
I am trying to hold back tears
All I can do is keep my eyes closed
And wait for the morning.

My thoughts take me back to yesterday
I can't seem to think about tomorrow.
I'm stuck in this maze of my own creation,
Not knowing how to escape.

Some days are good, but a lot of days are bad,
I have nothing left inside that doesn't make me sad.
My soul is tearing apart as I get older
I seem to grow distant and my heart grows colder.
I sit and wait for the end to come
While the world spins on its way.

I feel numb and there's not much joy left
Nothing feels like it should.
I stumble through one day to the next
And I wonder if this feeling will break.

My head screams and depression rears it ugly head,
Some days I just can't even get out of bed.
I see the sunshine and I can feel its heat
My belly is full, but my soul needs to eat.
These days I exist, but I don't live
I stare and look not knowing how to feel.




I’m Sorry: A Poem

What's the cost of heartbreak, what's the cost of pain?
What's the cost of what you lost, of everything you gained?
I've hurt too many people and I still pay that cost
I can only hope the ones I hurt have forgiven me.

Too young and foolish
Too full of myself
I took trust and love and turned it to hate
I used and hurt people I loved
I am sorry I truly am.

Am I looking for forgiveness? 
Too much time has passed for that.
The years have been hard and I can't change the past.
I just need to know things are better
So I can move forward.



Moody Night Poems

Sometimes when I think about her
Only the good things come to mind.
But when the rain falls and the wind is cold,
All I can think of is how she left me behind.

I still leave a light on for her
Even though I know she will never show.
My heart cries out for every memory
And all that is left is the lamp's cold glow.

Her image is burned in my soul
Every detail is there haunting my heart.
I am not dead but not quite alive
With every mile that keeps us apart.

My hair has turned gray but I'm no wiser
I long for something that can never be.
Sweet dreams and longing is all I will ever have
I guess I will always look, but never ever see.



 

A Little Rant

Good evening all! It’s been awhile since I have donned the writing cap as of late. Ironic I suppose since I have more free time these days with the whole Covid-19 cluster going on. The world is in a tailspin and I am unsure of the future. I want people not to die. I want people to get better. I am lucky in that I can stay at home and not go out to work, well at least for another week anyway. At this point, I am angry, sad and just confused on how our government can put a price tag on its citizen’s health. Yes people are going to die, but we have to prevent as many deaths as possible. Your well being/healthcare should not be tied to your job. Your life does not have a monetary value. Everyone deserves treatment and everyone needs to be tested. We have been behind the eight ball throughout this whole pandemic. The Orange Goof Ball is more worried about getting re-elected and his very delicate ego than the people is is suppose to be serving. I do not understand how even this pandemic can be politicized. We are facing very tough times to come and we need to join together and not be split apart by warring idiots in Washington. The relief that is coming will help some in the short term, but know, end the end we will be paying the price for all of this. If the government does not update the tax laws and quit giving corporations all of these breaks, we are all screwed. Tax the fucking rich or eat them, at this point I really do not care.

Now that is out of my system, let me focus on all of you selfish, immature and ignorant people who are still out in groups, hoarding essential supplies and just being an asshole in general. Go home and stay home until we are given the all clear. You do not need to be out there potentially infecting the rest of us. Do us all a favor and go hang out with the anti-vaxers and the churches that think their God is going to protect them from this virus. You all can have a great party until there is only a couple of you left to turn out the lights. We are supposed to be in this life for the long haul, but it seems like about half of you are ready to cross the river Styx and you know what I say? Godspeed to you. There is a difference in having to go out to get necessary supplies and just gathering in groups like everything is normal. Fuck you. Hopefully you will grow some sense and realize that it’s not all about you, but I really doubt it.

Ugh. Sorry. This stuff has been swirling around and I needed to get it typed out. I know it’s angry and rambling, but right now that is exactly how I feel.

Everyone, good luck out there. Please stay safe, use common sense and try your best to help out people when and if you can. Even online support would be appreciated. We are all in this together. Let people know you understand and you empathize with them. This boat we are in isn’t sinking yet, but the water is rising and there are storm cloud ahead. Try your best not to be a dick.I totally understand this self isolation is tough if your not an introvert like myself, but try not to snap at people. Times are tough, but I honestly believe they will get better, but there is no timetable for that. Remember no one person can give you that timeline. Keep getting all the most accurate information you can. to those of you that have lost loved ones due to this horrible virus, I honestly want to give you my love and sympathy. I know no words can console anyone right now, but know that there are people that care for you and your families.

Stay safe eveyone!

Some Poems for a Friday Night

Tears, unwanted roses, wind and rain.
Standing outside looking at what's left of my love
Die and slink down the drain.
You knew I was there, but you didn't care
He held you tight and you were smiling wide.
All I could think in those final moments
Even after all the hurt,
Was I still wanted you by my side.

********************************************************
When I hear the train going down the track
I wish I was on there never looking back.
But no matter how far I go
Or how much I try to forget,
It's still me in the mirror.

My heart and soul are waiting for some sort of instruction,
But instead I hit the road to self destruction
And the brake lines have been cut.

************************************************************
He had arms around her and their hearts beat in time,
They held each other until the train pulled in the station.
She knew she might never see him again
And the life inside her echoed the same tune.
Their love really began and ended that afternoon.

The miles and time apart were hard,
Letters came but it only widened the distance that was there.
Her belly was growing and he dodged every bullet but one,
She got the letter that his life ended too soon.
Their love began and ended that afternoon.

************************************************************













Thoughts and a Short Poem

A friend of mine who I worked with died from cancer last Saturday morning. She was a really special person. It happened so fast. Two months from diagnoses to her death. Her family lost their matriarch and the world lost another good person. I just wanted to say good-bye Kim. The world has lost another source of light and kindness. I hope you are at peace and I hope your family heals and remembers all the good times that were spent with you.

So I am just sitting here typing and thinking about how crazy and short life is. It might be a marathon and not a sprint, but it feels like I am on my 23rd mile. Time is a steamroller, it just keeps on pushing on, regardless of whatever is in its way. I have been more aware of time this week, I suppose because of Kim’s death. She was only 53 when she died. I am not too far away from that myself. It weighs on my mind. We only get a one way ticket on this ride. Are we all making the most? Did she? Are we too caught up in the trappings of our life to actually get out there and live? It feels like that way a lot of the time. Kim’s book ended too soon and with not the ending that she or anyone else expected. That is how life works though. There’s no way around death. The fact that her ended so soon is especially tragic.

Time is precious. We all know that, but we also let it pass by and deal with life. Pay bills, go to work, deal with the day to day minutia. It catches up with us all. Meanwhile that steamroller keeps on chugging away, slow and steady. I am not trying to sound like some fatalist. We can make the most of the time we have while doing the day to day of life. It is making the most of those times in between the day to day, those precious hours that can slip on by so easily while we watch TV, search Twitter or even reading blogs. I am going to give a piece of advice that I am hard pressed to follow. Get out and live. Take that road less traveled. Take a chance from time to time. Leave your heart out there, feel, love and know that it’s better to be that way than to lock all your emotions up so you don’t feel anything. It’s not worth it.

Don't look back in anger, just don't look back.
Move forward everyday making it a little better than before. 
Don't let people tell you no, follow your heart.
Don't be afraid to open every window and door.