Good evening all! It’s been awhile since I have donned the writing cap as of late. Ironic I suppose since I have more free time these days with the whole Covid-19 cluster going on. The world is in a tailspin and I am unsure of the future. I want people not to die. I want people to get better. I am lucky in that I can stay at home and not go out to work, well at least for another week anyway. At this point, I am angry, sad and just confused on how our government can put a price tag on its citizen’s health. Yes people are going to die, but we have to prevent as many deaths as possible. Your well being/healthcare should not be tied to your job. Your life does not have a monetary value. Everyone deserves treatment and everyone needs to be tested. We have been behind the eight ball throughout this whole pandemic. The Orange Goof Ball is more worried about getting re-elected and his very delicate ego than the people is is suppose to be serving. I do not understand how even this pandemic can be politicized. We are facing very tough times to come and we need to join together and not be split apart by warring idiots in Washington. The relief that is coming will help some in the short term, but know, end the end we will be paying the price for all of this. If the government does not update the tax laws and quit giving corporations all of these breaks, we are all screwed. Tax the fucking rich or eat them, at this point I really do not care.
Now that is out of my system, let me focus on all of you selfish, immature and ignorant people who are still out in groups, hoarding essential supplies and just being an asshole in general. Go home and stay home until we are given the all clear. You do not need to be out there potentially infecting the rest of us. Do us all a favor and go hang out with the anti-vaxers and the churches that think their God is going to protect them from this virus. You all can have a great party until there is only a couple of you left to turn out the lights. We are supposed to be in this life for the long haul, but it seems like about half of you are ready to cross the river Styx and you know what I say? Godspeed to you. There is a difference in having to go out to get necessary supplies and just gathering in groups like everything is normal. Fuck you. Hopefully you will grow some sense and realize that it’s not all about you, but I really doubt it.
Ugh. Sorry. This stuff has been swirling around and I needed to get it typed out. I know it’s angry and rambling, but right now that is exactly how I feel.
Everyone, good luck out there. Please stay safe, use common sense and try your best to help out people when and if you can. Even online support would be appreciated. We are all in this together. Let people know you understand and you empathize with them. This boat we are in isn’t sinking yet, but the water is rising and there are storm cloud ahead. Try your best not to be a dick.I totally understand this self isolation is tough if your not an introvert like myself, but try not to snap at people. Times are tough, but I honestly believe they will get better, but there is no timetable for that. Remember no one person can give you that timeline. Keep getting all the most accurate information you can. to those of you that have lost loved ones due to this horrible virus, I honestly want to give you my love and sympathy. I know no words can console anyone right now, but know that there are people that care for you and your families.
Stay safe eveyone!
Tears, unwanted roses, wind and rain.
Standing outside looking at what's left of my love
Die and slink down the drain.
You knew I was there, but you didn't care
He held you tight and you were smiling wide.
All I could think in those final moments
Even after all the hurt,
Was I still wanted you by my side.
When I hear the train going down the track
I wish I was on there never looking back.
But no matter how far I go
Or how much I try to forget,
It's still me in the mirror.
My heart and soul are waiting for some sort of instruction,
But instead I hit the road to self destruction
And the brake lines have been cut.
He had arms around her and their hearts beat in time,
They held each other until the train pulled in the station.
She knew she might never see him again
And the life inside her echoed the same tune.
Their love really began and ended that afternoon.
The miles and time apart were hard,
Letters came but it only widened the distance that was there.
Her belly was growing and he dodged every bullet but one,
She got the letter that his life ended too soon.
Their love began and ended that afternoon.
A friend of mine who I worked with died from cancer last Saturday morning. She was a really special person. It happened so fast. Two months from diagnoses to her death. Her family lost their matriarch and the world lost another good person. I just wanted to say good-bye Kim. The world has lost another source of light and kindness. I hope you are at peace and I hope your family heals and remembers all the good times that were spent with you.
So I am just sitting here typing and thinking about how crazy and short life is. It might be a marathon and not a sprint, but it feels like I am on my 23rd mile. Time is a steamroller, it just keeps on pushing on, regardless of whatever is in its way. I have been more aware of time this week, I suppose because of Kim’s death. She was only 53 when she died. I am not too far away from that myself. It weighs on my mind. We only get a one way ticket on this ride. Are we all making the most? Did she? Are we too caught up in the trappings of our life to actually get out there and live? It feels like that way a lot of the time. Kim’s book ended too soon and with not the ending that she or anyone else expected. That is how life works though. There’s no way around death. The fact that her ended so soon is especially tragic.
Time is precious. We all know that, but we also let it pass by and deal with life. Pay bills, go to work, deal with the day to day minutia. It catches up with us all. Meanwhile that steamroller keeps on chugging away, slow and steady. I am not trying to sound like some fatalist. We can make the most of the time we have while doing the day to day of life. It is making the most of those times in between the day to day, those precious hours that can slip on by so easily while we watch TV, search Twitter or even reading blogs. I am going to give a piece of advice that I am hard pressed to follow. Get out and live. Take that road less traveled. Take a chance from time to time. Leave your heart out there, feel, love and know that it’s better to be that way than to lock all your emotions up so you don’t feel anything. It’s not worth it.
Don't look back in anger, just don't look back.
Move forward everyday making it a little better than before.
Don't let people tell you no, follow your heart.
Don't be afraid to open every window and door.
Talking to walls that don't answer back,
Thinking about you just a little too much.
Drinking and wishing for your sweet touch,
But that boat sailed a long time ago
Leaving me holding memories I can't let go.
My sugar no longer taste sweet
My head and heart can't meet
To see things the way they really are.
I feel the world spinning out of control
And I can no longer roll
With the punches anymore.
Fair warning: I will rambling on all over the place in this one.
Ever have one of those lives where you just can’t get it all together? Your socks don’t match, you forget your phone and your dogs just don’t want anything to do with you. That has been me lately. Can’t seem to focus, find my direction and just feeling overwhelmed overall. Now this isn’t new. This is pretty much the continuing theme of my story. What gives your life meaning? Is the the person your love? Your personal passions? Your job? What is the secret formula for happiness? Now don’t get me wrong, I know happiness is not a permanent state of mind. The rain is going to fall eventually on all of us. I think the whole gist of it is to be able to smile at the end of it all. Life is indeed a marathon and not a sprint. Take it one day at a time and all the other cliches you can think of. Things, they are all true. Time gives you a wonderful perspective on everything. Situations that would drive you insane as a teen or even a young adult are just laughable now. Everything was so intense and “now” back then. Tomorrow was so far away. These days, tomorrow runs up on us like a runaway train. Then the next thing you know, your 49 and feel like maybe you should have made some different choices back in the day. These days I tell myself that I got to make the best of the time I have. Make these next years just as good or even better as the younger ones. That’s the rub, isn’t it? It is so much harder to live in the moment when you’re 49 compared to 21. These days I think more about retirement, saving to make sure I don’t starve during said retirement. We all know life is hard, that is no secret, but damn it I’d love to know the secret of how to scrape every bit of happiness from that jar.
This is a lot shorter post than I thought it would be. I just feel like I am rambling and feeling sorry for myself. I am not really feeling sorry, just frustrated with myself right now. Things will get better and I will be able to roll with the punches once again.
The days might be black and the wind might be cold,
You might be feeling worn and old.
Just take a look and dawn will be here and before you know,
Sun and warmth will shake away those blues
So hang in there and know things will improve.
I guess that time together was all for naught.
I wanted to be in your heart but that was not to be.
Whispers in the beginning
Screams in the end.
The same song repeated over and over
Both of us looking into each other and feeling nothing.
Nothing of consequence,
Nothing left but wisps of smoke
Of a fire that burned bright.
All that love, was it all wasted?
All the happiness we tasted
Is spoiled and left to finally die.
When the little white lie is "I love you"
And the lies never seems to end,
Reach out for arms you can trust
Reach out to the lover who is now a friend.
When the cold wind keeps pushing you back
And the sun is nowhere in sight,
Your shelter is waiting right next to me,
We will get through the desolate and lonely night.
Your heart is broken and your soul it torn
You look into the mirror and wish you were never born.
Know there is will be someone who will take you in.
No judgement, no questions
Time has not changed anything I feel.
When you are bitter and spiteful
Over the one who has done you wrong,
Lay your yesterdays down
Knowing that tomorrow was there all along.
Hello all. I hope everyone is doing well tonight. Feeling a little reflective, tired, mad and frustrated. What’s started me down this path of fractured glass and shaky emotions? Well I guess it’s because I am 49, living in the Midwest and just not sure where I am going or where I have been. Now I know you’re thinking, “here he goes again wah-wah-wah my life is horrible. That’s not the case. I know I have it pretty good and I am very lucky in a lot of ways. I make a decent living, I do not have to scrounge for my next meal, I have a warm bed at night and I have more friends than enemies. Many people cannot say that.
Where to begin? I suppose I need to start at the focal point of my anger and frustration: my job. I am sure most of you, if not all are in jobs you hate and my issues are no different than your day to day struggles. You would be correct. I am just adding my voice to the choir. Nothing really new except my concept of work is changing. I suppose you could say I am becoming more of a socialist the older I get. I see everyone working their collective asses off and it’s only to the benefit of the select few. Plus what I do is pointless. I am part of the machine. A drone just being directed around to shuffle paper and to wait for my check every two weeks. It is a soulless existence. We all spend more time at work every week than we do with our families. It draws out our strength. It’s the salt and we are the slug. There is nothing left to me on Friday but a husk that already dreads Monday morning. I know that there are more back breaking job and people are working 2 or 3 or even 4 jobs to just trying to break even. That’s not a life either. I am sure this is a self defeating attitude and I am sure a lot of it can be blamed on my depression. That is always the iron weight pulling me down into the water. We were meant for more than this. People are meant to create, learn, live, explore and enjoy life. If I sound lazy, yes I admit I am. I hate working. I hate that I have to work. I make no secret of it. I don’t know maybe I am just a rambling old man. I just wish things were different, but I am sure you all do as well.
Enough of that self pity party. I just needed to get he words out. I am actually less poisonous and angry now that I re-read this. I mean I didn’t even use the phrase “those fuckers” when I talked about work. Maybe I am mellowing out some as I sit here and type and sip my tea. So this is a short post tonight. I needed to get some words out and to make myself post. I am trying to make it a habit, not a daily one, not yet at least.
I hope everyone has a nice evening and hang in there. Things will have to get better eventually!
Good morning everyone! It has been quite a while since I posted anything up here. Been having some depression issues and just drained from my job to do anything other than stare blankly at the TV when I get home. I am hoping to start up this thing again and try to post as regularly as possible. I have a new computer now and I have a great space for writing now, so I am hoping that will get me on here more.
Honestly not much has happened during my hiatus. My job still is a soul sucking vampire and I am trying like hell to get out of there. My depression is another matter. It is a lead weight that is always there preventing me from doing anything fun or evening enjoying anything. I am more or less a zombie. I get up and go to work, so at least I am not like the unfortunate sufferers who cannot even get out of bed. Right now there is no joy and nothing I really enjoy. So I am going to use this blog to express feelings, ideas, poetry, and some pop culture fun. I think I was always worried too much about this blog having a focus. If I just write what’s on my mind, I think that will work better than trying to confine myself into some sort of “label”.
So here we go again! I hope everyone has a great weekend!!
Hello all! Sorry it’s been so long since my last post. It’s been a combination of laziness and depression. I have had a more active posting life on Twitter recently. I am just in a funk with life right now. Not much excitement with me at the present. Been playing some video games, watching movies, the normal routine. Work has been a little more soul sucking that normal. We had some layoffs and there is a lot of tension in the air. Hopefully things will settle down soon.
Sorry for the short post. I’m just getting myself back in the game. There will be more to come!