Poem just Because I want to Write

Talking to walls that don't answer back,
Thinking about you just a little too much.
Drinking and wishing for your sweet touch,
But that boat sailed a long time ago
Leaving me holding memories I can't let go.

My sugar no longer taste sweet
My head and heart can't meet 
To see things the way they really are.
I feel the world spinning out of control
And I can no longer roll
With the punches anymore.

Thursday Night Random Thoughts

Fair warning: I will rambling on all over the place in this one.

Ever have one of those lives where you just can’t get it all together? Your socks don’t match, you forget your phone and your dogs just don’t want anything to do with you. That has been me lately. Can’t seem to focus, find my direction and just feeling overwhelmed overall. Now this isn’t new. This is pretty much the continuing theme of my story. What gives your life meaning? Is the the person your love? Your personal passions? Your job? What is the secret formula for happiness? Now don’t get me wrong, I know happiness is not a permanent state of mind. The rain is going to fall eventually on all of us. I think the whole gist of it is to be able to smile at the end of it all. Life is indeed a marathon and not a sprint. Take it one day at a time and all the other cliches you can think of. Things, they are all true. Time gives you a wonderful perspective on everything. Situations that would drive you insane as a teen or even a young adult are just laughable now. Everything was so intense and “now” back then. Tomorrow was so far away. These days, tomorrow runs up on us like a runaway train. Then the next thing you know, your 49 and feel like maybe you should have made some different choices back in the day. These days I tell myself that I got to make the best of the time I have. Make these next years just as good or even better as the younger ones. That’s the rub, isn’t it? It is so much harder to live in the moment when you’re 49 compared to 21. These days I think more about retirement, saving to make sure I don’t starve during said retirement. We all know life is hard, that is no secret, but damn it I’d love to know the secret of how to scrape every bit of happiness from that jar.

This is a lot shorter post than I thought it would be. I just feel like I am rambling and feeling sorry for myself. I am not really feeling sorry, just frustrated with myself right now. Things will get better and I will be able to roll with the punches once again.

The days might be black and the wind might be cold,
You might be feeling worn and old.
Just take a look and dawn will be here and before you know,
Sun and warmth will shake away those blues
So hang in there and know things will improve.

Nothing of Consequence

I guess that time together was all for naught.
I wanted to be in your heart but that was not to be.
Whispers in the beginning
Screams in the end.
The same song repeated over and over
Both of us looking into each other and feeling nothing.

Nothing of consequence, 
Nothing left but wisps of smoke
Of a fire that burned bright.
All that love, was it all wasted?
All the happiness we tasted
Is spoiled and left to finally die.

Random Poem

When the little white lie is "I love you"
And the lies never seems to end,
Reach out for arms you can trust
Reach out to the lover who is now a friend.

When the cold wind keeps pushing you back
And the sun is nowhere in sight,
Your shelter is waiting right next to me,
We will get through the desolate and lonely night.

Your heart is broken and your soul it torn
You look into the mirror and wish you were never born.
Know there is will be someone who will take you in.
No judgement, no questions
Time has not changed anything I feel.

When you are bitter and spiteful
Over the one who has done you wrong,
Lay your yesterdays down
Knowing that tomorrow was there all along.

These are the Days…

Hello all. I hope everyone is doing well tonight. Feeling a little reflective, tired, mad and frustrated. What’s started me down this path of fractured glass and shaky emotions? Well I guess it’s because I am 49, living in the Midwest and just not sure where I am going or where I have been. Now I know you’re thinking, “here he goes again wah-wah-wah my life is horrible. That’s not the case. I know I have it pretty good and I am very lucky in a lot of ways. I make a decent living, I do not have to scrounge for my next meal, I have a warm bed at night and I have more friends than enemies. Many people cannot say that.

Where to begin? I suppose I need to start at the focal point of my anger and frustration: my job. I am sure most of you, if not all are in jobs you hate and my issues are no different than your day to day struggles. You would be correct. I am just adding my voice to the choir. Nothing really new except my concept of work is changing. I suppose you could say I am becoming more of a socialist the older I get. I see everyone working their collective asses off and it’s only to the benefit of the select few. Plus what I do is pointless. I am part of the machine. A drone just being directed around to shuffle paper and to wait for my check every two weeks. It is a soulless existence. We all spend more time at work every week than we do with our families. It draws out our strength. It’s the salt and we are the slug. There is nothing left to me on Friday but a husk that already dreads Monday morning. I know that there are more back breaking job and people are working 2 or 3 or even 4 jobs to just trying to break even. That’s not a life either. I am sure this is a self defeating attitude and I am sure a lot of it can be blamed on my depression. That is always the iron weight pulling me down into the water. We were meant for more than this. People are meant to create, learn, live, explore and enjoy life. If I sound lazy, yes I admit I am. I hate working. I hate that I have to work. I make no secret of it. I don’t know maybe I am just a rambling old man. I just wish things were different, but I am sure you all do as well.

Enough of that self pity party. I just needed to get he words out. I am actually less poisonous and angry now that I re-read this. I mean I didn’t even use the phrase “those fuckers” when I talked about work. Maybe I am mellowing out some as I sit here and type and sip my tea. So this is a short post tonight. I needed to get some words out and to make myself post. I am trying to make it a habit, not a daily one, not yet at least.

I hope everyone has a nice evening and hang in there. Things will have to get better eventually!

2020 the Year of More Blog Posts?

Good morning everyone! It has been quite a while since I posted anything up here. Been having some depression issues and just drained from my job to do anything other than stare blankly at the TV when I get home. I am hoping to start up this thing again and try to post as regularly as possible. I have a new computer now and I have a great space for writing now, so I am hoping that will get me on here more.

Honestly not much has happened during my hiatus. My job still is a soul sucking vampire and I am trying like hell to get out of there. My depression is another matter. It is a lead weight that is always there preventing me from doing anything fun or evening enjoying anything. I am more or less a zombie. I get up and go to work, so at least I am not like the unfortunate sufferers who cannot even get out of bed. Right now there is no joy and nothing I really enjoy. So I am going to use this blog to express feelings, ideas, poetry, and some pop culture fun. I think I was always worried too much about this blog having a focus. If I just write what’s on my mind, I think that will work better than trying to confine myself into some sort of “label”.

So here we go again! I hope everyone has a great weekend!!

Take care!

I’m Still Here..Sort of

Hello all! Sorry it’s been so long since my last post. It’s been a combination of laziness and depression. I have had a more active posting life on Twitter recently. I am just in a funk with life right now. Not much excitement with me at the present. Been playing some video games, watching movies, the normal routine. Work has been a little more soul sucking that normal. We had some layoffs and there is a lot of tension in the air. Hopefully things will settle down soon.

Sorry for the short post. I’m just getting myself back in the game. There will be more to come!

Take care.

Lacking Focus…Oh Look a Butterfly

Good evening all! I hope everyone is doing well. I know it has been a while since my last post. My hiatus has been more about laziness and my lack direction. Lately I can’t seem to muster up enough concentration for more than 5 minutes at a time on anything. About the only thing lately I have spending any lengthy amount of time on is video games I think that is because I can just do that without any real focus, just plug and play so to speak.

I have been thinking a lot about what I want to say, what I want this blog to represent. Do I want it to be another pop culture source? Snarky reviews of bad movies, music I like or television? Do I want it to be a place to showcase my writing as far as my poetry goes or maybe the occasional short story? Do I want it to be political or just an observer’s view of the world around me. I have read a few articles concerning blogs and they state that you need to be focusing on a subject, some sort of goal to work towards. I suppose that is true. I have been reading a lot of blog posts and there are some fine writers that just write about everything. I really envy just having the drive to do this every day. I know very few people read my posts and that is fine. I am not looking to make money from this or to have any recognition. It is meant to be a therapy for me. My depression has been a strong influencer in my life for the past 20 plus years. I am not making an excuse, but it is there. I can’t hide from it. Some days are worse than others. Lately it has been worse than normal. There is something inside of me holding back and making me not write like I want. I have discussed that before with my music in previous posts. It’s making myself do this and once I start writing, I do tend to find I can ramble on for quite a while.

I have these brief moments of creativity during the day. I think of a subject that would make a good blog post, but yet I don’t write about it later. I shrug it off at times and just blame it on being tired after a long work day. Nothing kills creativity and the willingness to write for me than real life. I have really guided myself into thinking these pursuits are not worth it. It brings no monetary value, then why do it? That is with anything. A mortgage, light bill, water bill, credit cards, etc…these things have killed the creative person in me. It’s probably more likely that I have killed that person slowly over the years. I am trying to plant those seeds again. It is hard some days. I am working on fighting my depression. I am working on just trying to find myself again after all these years. The focus is hard to come by. The concentration is harder to find, but I am working on it. I know I will never be some great writer, but I do want my voice out there. I suppose it’s vanity, some of it is my small portion of immortality, maybe it just the only way I can be myself.

So be patient with me and I will do my best to get out here and write more. It will come, but I am sure it will be slow and it will be all over the place. Now with that I need to go chase some butterflies.

Take care!

What is Poetry?

Hello all! I hope everyone is doing well tonight. I thought I would try my hand at defining what poetry is and means to me. Since I have been blogging again, I have had a chance to read and follow some really talented writers. Each have their own styles, ideas and motivations. By motivations, I just mean what drives them to write. For me, it’s the need to get emotions and words out I could not speak aloud. I know my poetry is simple, there are not any word tricks or clever ideas that have hidden meanings. That is not me. I have written things like that in the past, but they are not very good and just kind of meander. My poetry tends to rhyme. I know that’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but it fits my style. I am more influence by my music heroes more than traditional poets. That is where the rhyming comes in. Sometimes the hardest part of that is to not make it sound forced. It does limit me I suppose, but I think with the themes and ideas I write about it fits.

For me poetry only needs two things to feel organic and real. It has to be honest and it has to have meaning for the writer. The honesty can be felt, especially when one writes about the sad or bad times one has. I can see that in a lot of people’s poetry I read. You have to be honest with yourself when you write. You have to make yourself feel before you can make others feel. That is where the honesty comes in. Just bare yourself with your words. It’s therapeutic and it can make you see things in a different light. It opens you up and exposes yourself to your readers. That’s scary, but I think it is part of writing poetry. (Now I want to take a quick minute to say, I am not a poetry expert. I do not know the technical aspects of writing poetry nor any writing tricks to make it better. I just go off of what I feel and what is on my mind at the time). Poetry is personal. You do not have to be a professional to write your feelings. Your personal experiences are unique to you. Write them out. I say this to encourage people to write. Don’t be afraid to be criticized because you will be. Just write with your heart. Someone may tell you your poetry doesn’t fall into a traditional form, but that doesn’t matter. This writing for you. If you want to share your emotions and feelings, I don’t think anyone can really criticize you if you’re honest. Too many people are held back because some “experts” tell them they are not any good. Do not let that stop you. We need more people to write from their heart. Now this is all my opinion and I am sure a lot will not agree. If I can just influence one person to write and to feel good that they did it, that will make this all worth it.

Now after all of that, I think it is only fair of me to share another of my poems. This is another old one. No title, per usual with me, but it is very personal to me. I wrote this a couple of years after my mother died. I wish I could have shared it with her, but she died when I was young and I was not really sharing anything with anyone at that time. Feel free to let me know what you think. Send me a tweet! I am @MLCTaskforce.

Another year has gone by with you not here,
I can't believe just how fast time does fly.
I wish you were here to see what I've become,
I hope you can see me, looking down from the pale sky...

I should have told you I loved you more,
You deserved for all of your dreams to have come true.
Stolen from this life you loved so quickly,
The time for your celebration is long overdue.

Today I celebrate your life and all it brought everyone,
Today I cry those tears I've held in for so long.
Oh how I wish I could hug you just one more time,
And tell you just where in my heart you belong.

I stare looking into the distance, I can feel you near.
The breeze is your whisper in my childish ear.
Why are you gone when I need you these days
To guide me through all of my desperate way

Please forgive all the times I was so terrible,
I didn't mean to hurt you in any way.
Mine was the crime of selfish youth,
I just wish I could tell you all these things today.

And as I walk on down the road you made,
I can understand that there was once a love so true.
Never will I forget the things you have given me,
For those things, I will always love you...

I hope you enjoyed my post and my poem. Take care all! I will be writing again soon.

Wednesday…that’s all I Have

Hello all. Hope everyone is doing well and had a nice long holiday weekend. I know I’m a few days late posting, but honestly not much is happening. I am still floundering when it comes to the direction of this blog. I’ve honestly been more active on Twitter as of late. I gave definitely gone more political on Twitter. I think it’s good to have voices out there coming together as one to fight all of the bad in the world. Discussion is the seed in which action grows. I hope to meet some more interesting people, learn more about people I didn’t know before and just keep a positive vibe on everything. So this is all tonight. If you would like, follow me on Twitter @MLCTaskforce. Take care and I promise more material soon.