I AM BACK.

Hello all! it has been a bit since I last posted. been fighting off a sinus infection and I just did not feel like getting on and posting much. Not a lot going on lately other than being sick. That said, I am going to post a few of my poems tonight. I know there are a couple of you out there that read my blog and I’d like to know what you think. I am not one to use a lot word tricks or anything really clever, it is just basic emotions I have put down on paper over the years that happen to rhyme. So I will submit these now and I will get back to blogging more consistently.

The first one here is call “Moments”. I don’t usually title anything I write, but I felt this needed something. I wrote this many years ago when I was in college.

A Dream
A Sigh
A Wave good-bye

A Touch
A Kiss
A Moment of Bliss


A Spark
A Fire
A Tremble of Desire

A Hug
A Grin
A Quick thought of sin


A Hope
A Tear
A Sudden rush of fear...

You see, it is a simple poem, but I do think it says a bit about how and what we can experience, especially with that certain someone. A lot of my poems back in my younger days were about lost love, yearning, longing for that one true love. I suppose a lot of young men feel the same way. I had this jumble of emotions and confusion in myself and I wasn’t sure how to express it other than in my poetry.

Now this next one is also about love. It is what I thought the ideal love would be like. It’s very idealistic and probably not based in reality, but that is the great thing about love; it doesn’t have to make sense. It is called “Love is”.

Love is just one moment in time; yet it lasts forever.
Love is when two people meet and they realize that the other is the one.
Love is holding hands and stolen kisses on a long summer night.
Love is being there the next morning.
Love is elusive; but when caught, love never goes away
Love is confusing, but love brings understanding.
Love is looking into eyes and trembling inside.
Love is a living thing. It needs care and attention to make it grow.
Love is being there every day and every night.
Love is a flame that burns eternally.

I guess it is kind of sappy and hokey now that I see it written out again. I still think it holds true though. Love doesn’t change, the way we see it and feel it does however. Young love is full of passion, lust and energy. It is though long walks, those stolen moments of love when you are next to that certain person. Older love becomes more pragmatic and practical. It is just as strong, but you’re there for when things go wrong more, just because more can go wrong when you’re older.

I will leave you tonight with this last short verse. everyone has the capacity to love. It’s whether or not we believe in ourselves and allow ourselves to feel. That in turn, runs the risk of being hurt, but you can’t never love if you don’t try.

If you can breathe you can love.
If you can love you can give.
If you can give you can live.
If you can live you can love.


Take care all. I will be posting again soon.

Take care


Another day in Purgatory

I’m here at work today and as usual my mind and heart are not into it. My cubicle feels like it’s closing in on me. I’m not using the word prison just because there are people in cages now and I know what I’m going through is nothing compared to that. I’m in a sludge of a job. It pays well, so I can’t complain about that. The work swings from mind numbingly boring to banging your head against the wall frustrating. Lately I’ve had this feeling of running away. Dropping it all and starting over. I guess a lot of people my age feel that way. I have no intention of doing it, but the thought pops in my head occasionally.

I’ve noticed that older I get, the less tolerant I am towards the status quo. I’m not becoming more conservative as I get older, but more radical. Well these days radical means you believe in healthcare for all, women’s rights, fair and just treatment of immigrants, free college and basically anything a civilized society can agree upon. In today’s America, that’s radical.

Anyway, this was just a few thoughts floating around my head. I’m trying to be better about posting.

Take care!

Another Day, Another Embarrassing Tweet

Well it looks like Trump has put his foot firmly in the middle of the mud and slime that is racism. I just keep getting amazed at the shit he says and is allowed to say by his own party. I do need to clarify, I know the Republican Party is full of racist assholes. This goes for the herd that follows Trump to the Republican Leadership. What I mean is there is no word as of yet from Republicans in response to racist rant he had on Twitter Sunday night. The silence says so much at this point. This meathead cannot just go out and say he represents this country. Yes there are racists that are his base. It is those and the Hillary haters that got this idiot elected in the first place. The anger these Republicans must feel towards minorities has to be overwhelming. Their insecurity that the country might not be as white as it once was is sickening. I just hope we can get this fool out of office at the next election.

Poem

Circling above wishing I could truly break free,
Visioning what life would have been for you and me.
Sweeping around like the eagle searching for the dawn,
I twist and turn yearning for some sense to be drawn
From the randomness that every new day brings.

I'm drawn to your heart like a moth to the flame
Heart pounding, hands shaking at the sound of your name.
My nights are too cold and the days are too long,
But still I try to fill in the void that comes along
Knowing I'll never see you again.



Sunday Night Blahs

Good evening everyone. I hope everyone had a great weekend and a relaxing Sunday night. I’m just chilling and watching a little YouTube. This weekend was pretty relaxing. Saturday bummed around and played video games. (Review coming shortly). Today went and saw Spiderman: Far from Home. I will say if you can get past the first 40 minutes, the movie definitely picks up. Jake Gyllenhaal was excellent as Mysterio. I won’t go into much, the movie hasn’t been out that long and I don’t want to spoil it.

So with Sunday Evening comes anxiety. I hate Sunday nights. I dread going to work. I know we all do, but it’s just getting worse the older I get. The thought of 25 more years of this is too depressing for words. I’ll put on my big boy pants tonight and get over it. Just was on my mind. Needed to get it out.

Well that’s all I have tonight. Not much to say. I’m trying to be better at posting. Hopefully you will be seeing more content!

Take care

July 5th

Hello all. Just wanted to write down some thoughts I am having this morning. I’m sitting here at work trying hard not to be whiny because I have to be here today.

My 4th passed by uneventful. I slept a lot of the day, which was great. I didn’t watch any of Trump’s Ego parade and overall I had a nice day off.

Reading the news this morning as any other morning, fills me with anger and frustration over where this country is going. The goose steps towards the far right this country is taking is amazing to me. Hatred for minorities is rampant, concentration camps, stripping down of environmental protections, corporate welfare and so many more openly anti-democratic statements by this government, my head spins at what else can happen.

A lot of people blame Trump for this. Now do not get me wrong, he is everything I hate in a person. He is a misogynist, bigoted and an ignorant asshole however, he is just the end result of years of manipulation by Republicans to take the highly ignorant voting base they have and mold them into this mass of people who hate anything progressive and intellectual. Trump is only one of the symptoms of the disease. Republicans understand the fear and ignorance of the poor, white voter and they also have a great power base with the rich. Combine those two theoretically opposing groups and you can see how the Republicans have become stronger over the years.

It’s always amazing to me how Republicans can take ideas like climate change, immigration, tax cuts and military spending and justify any means to their end. Outright denial of climate change even after almost every scientist on the planet agrees it’s an issue that needs to be addressed soon. Putting families in cages, lying that there are hordes of people marching to get into the USA. Justifying racism under the guise of safety for our country. I also see that trickle down theory is still in place even after corporations have proven they will either sit on their cash or just buy back stocks with the tax cuts given them instead of expanding and creating good jobs. Lastly the military spending this country does is insane. We are in a constant state of war. There’s money to be made on the backs of our soldiers. The real spending for the military should be in the form of better medical services and transition services for soldiers after they come back into the civilian world.

One very important thing I didn’t mention above and I should have (my apologies) is the reproductive rights of women. Republicans have a tendency to think they know what is best for women. Trying to cut off access to much needed help as birth control, Planned Parenthood centers and other educational items speak to their ignorance about women and people. The pro-life obsessed wing nuts lead to such laws as in Alabama where almost all abortions are banned. They want the babies born, but don’t give a shit about what happens to them afterwards. Once again this goes back to education. Teenagers need to be educated about reproduction and be given access to free birth control. Please forgive my crudeness, but teenagers are going to fuck. They are curious about sexuality and sex. Why not educate them and give them the ability to get contraception. You cannot put your head in the sand and pretend that teenagers will abstain from sex until marriage. This is not going to happen. Actually this has never happened. Old people like to pretend they were all chaste and pure but they did the same thing teens do now. The holier than thou attitude needs to stop.

Well I guess that’s enough of the soapbox today. There is so much more I could have written and I will at a later date.

Take care all!!

Some Days

I’ve been in a funk for the last few days. It crept in and kind of caught me by surprise. Ever had a day where you take stock of things and you don’t like what you see? Some days it’s easier to see the thinks you lack and not the things you have. I guess this is part of the whole mid-life crisis that I’m going through. This week is really the first time I felt that time is slipping away. I’m not old, but I am closer to 50 than I care to be. This has been a rough week as things go, but that normally doesn’t slow me down that much, but I think it has been this particular combination of events that have affected me personally. I applied for a new job, nothing spectacular, basically what I do now but with a different company. That in itself doesn’t bother me, but what hit me is that I’ll be working at least another 20 years in whatever drab job I end up finding. I’ll go into this in another post. Now I just want to concentrate on this week. Another thing that happened is that my wife and I went to visit a former co-worker of hers who is now in hospice. She had kidney and liver failure and has about a month to live. Now let me say I don’t want to turn this person’s situation into something about me. I feel so bad for her and her family. It’s just that seeing her and knowing she will be passing made me realize just how short and fragile our time is on this planet. We don’t know what condition we will end up with over time. Another thing that happened that’s hit me hard, but in a financial way, was the fact I had to pay $1500 to get my car fixed. That was an expense I was not expecting. Add on to the day to day of doing a job I hate and it’s just been a collection of situations that hit me and I wasn’t ready.

The one thought that anchors me and scares me at the same time is the idea that time is the only commodity in your life that really counts. Time has real value. Not just the time that you get paid for at work, but the time you have when you’re away from work. You can make, create, live, love and have your life and time is the commodity that you use to pay for those actions. Do I spend my time worrying about insecurities I have or do I spend my time trying to resolve these things. I have chosen to write about it, using my time to write everything out and try to plant some sort of seed of a solution. Just remember time is a limited commodity, it will eventually run out. Use it wisely no matter your age. I’m sure in a couple more days I’ll get to feeling better, but for now I have a lot to think about.

Take care!

FALLOUT 76: Well It’s a Video Game

Hello all! I hope everyone is doing well today. I am jumping in a bit late to this party, but I wanted to give my review of Fallout 76. I have my reasons for being so late with this as I will explain later. Fallout 76 is an open world “action” game from Bethesda Game Studios. I put action in parenthesis because, action is a very, very loose definition of what I experienced while playing. I also must note I am playing a newer version of the game. I intentionally waited for a reasonably priced used version was available. I was not going to pay full price for this and my reasons will be below.

Before I go into my experience with the game, I think I need to put in a little background about the game just in case you do not know the cluster-fuck history of this title. The game released in November 2018 to a fan base that was excited about having a new Fallout, but quickly because frustrated and angry when it was announced that the game would be online only and no solo campaign. Traditionally, the Fallout series, focuses on an individual campaign where you interact with NPCs (Non-player Characters) and follow a detailed and fun storyline. The scenario is this is post nuclear war America. This particular game takes place before the other games in the series. The world has been devastated by war. It is a mish-mash of a future technology world, mixed with mid-50’s America culture wise. It is an individual experience that the player can immersive themselves into. That is all taken away when you are forced to play online with other players. Now this in itself, really isn’t the end all of the game itself. Online play is popular with a lot of gamers. It can be fun and a way for friends to get together and share an experience online. Primarily however, these are done with shooters such as Overwatch. The question is why? Why take a traditionally offline game and make it a multiplayer online game? Well the answer is simple. Money. Online games can me monetized easily and it requires the player to spend so much time in their world and that time can be monetized with shops and such that the player can spend real world money to buy in-game money to buy in game items.

There are so many other incidences with Bethesda in this game. I would actually recommend going on line and checking out’s Jim Sterling’s comprehensive “post-mortem” as he call it. It really hits the nail on the head with what is wrong with the game and how bad Bethesda has screwed the pooch with this release. Please check him out on YouTube.

Now on to my personal experience. I played the XBOX ONE version. I found a used copy and finally decided that it was time for me to check it out after so much bad press and reviews this game has received. I wanted to see for myself just how bad this game is. I downloaded and first booted up the game about 3 weeks ago. I played 5 separate times over the weeks and played a few hours on each outing. I needed to really see what would happen and I wanted to give the game a fair shake. My very first game play experience was not good. I was kicked off the servers about 5 times in about 3 hours. I was lucky and I did not lose my advancements. That has been the exception and not the rule with other players based of video reviews I have seen. The game is lacking in a lot of ways. As of now, there are no NPCs. The only interaction is with other players online. There are quests, but they are lackluster at best. The combat is horrible. Traditionally there is a VATS system that allows you to focuses on certain areas on enemies to be able to maim or kill them. In other versions of the game, this was handled by pausing the game and you set up your VATS attached. Since this game is online only, there is no pause so they revamped it so that it tells you the percentage chance of you getting a hit on an enemy. Well that’s all well and good, but the enemies dart sideways very fast. Your percentage to hit can go from 95% to almost zero in a matter of seconds. It makes the combat very frustrating. The game has an unfinished feel to it. According to Bethesda there is a timetable of future releases and updates that will allow actual interactive game play. I think it might be too little too late. Overall, I can’t say I had fun. I was working the quest and leveling up my character, but I honestly cannot say it was a fun time. I will revisit this in the fall once the new update is released and we will see if it has anything to actually offer.

Take care!

ASMR-A Journey into Weirdness Pt. 1

Today I’d like to talk about a phenomenon that I have been seeing on the internet, specifically YouTube for quite a long time. ASMR or Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response. Per Google, ASMR is: a feeling of well-being combined with a tingling sensation in the scalp and down the back of the neck, as experienced by some people in response to a specific gentle stimulus, often a particular sound. The term was first coined back in 2010 by Jennifer Allen. Jennifer is listed, per an interview on www.asmruniversity.com, as a large ASMR contributor and works for a cyber security company. ASMR has grown into a multi-million dollar industry for the ASMR artists who provide the content on You Tube.

My introduction to this world was quite random. I couldn’t sleep one night, as happens occasionally, and I was trying to find something to help me unwind. Reading wasn’t working, listening to music wasn’t working (at that time) and I was desperate to find something. I typed in sleeping in to the YouTube Search Engine and most of it was relaxing music and such. One thing that caught my eye was a video for “ASMR Triggers to Help You Sleep” by ASMR DARLING. I clicked on it and you see this young woman who is whispering and looking direct into a camera focused on her face. The whole time she is whispering to her audience. This particular video is 4 hours long and involves “triggers” as they are called in the ASMR community to help you sleep. This involves her tapping various objects, whispering into the camera and brushing the microphone with a giant powder brush and other various items. All the time she is whispering. I will admit is very relaxing. It didn’t help me sleep, but it did peak my curiosity. I went back to that same video as I was writing this article and I saw that the video itself had been view over 23 million times. She also has 2.3 million subscribers. Now this of course lead me to the question, how much money can be made by doing these videos? Well, per www.youtubers.me, she is worth an estimated $79.8K-$1.03 million. Now that is a very wide spectrum. I would tend to think with advertisers and such, she might be closer to the $1 million mark. That’s not bad scratch for whispering in front of a camera.

Now, the real question, does it work? Well that is totally up to the individual viewing the videos. Me personally, find everything very distracting. the hand motions, the tapping, and the whispering do not do it for me. If it works for you, that is great. I find that some relaxing music usually does the trick these days. I will diving deeper into different aspects of ASMR in the future. It is really interesting when you dive down into it. It is a big money business that has a surprising variety of people with different techniques.

Well that is all for now. I will be back soon with some new content.

Thanks! Sleep well!