Show 22 is here and only a week late!!
For this week, we spend some time memorializing the many actors and musicians who have passed away this year (way too many), we discuss the Comcast/Time Warner merger, upcoming movies, and the B-Movie Review!
Our B-Movie Review for this week is Lair of the White Worm, a stinky piece of English horror from 1988. It stars a young Hugh Grant and a young Peter Capaldi (aka, the 12th Doctor Who).
And, as always, here are my show notes for your reading/riffing pleasure:
1. Well, the opening credits certainly aren’t promising.
2. Hugh Grant, the woman from Max Headroom, one of the daughters from Dynasty (who’s a real life princess, I might add), and Doctor Who. Strap in!!!
3. Not to mention “Sammi Davis”.
4. Director of Photography: Dick Bush. I’m not making that up!
5. Yes, the title “Produced and Directed by Ken Russell” probably does deserve the horror movie music stinger.
6. The movie establishes that everyone is British in much the same way as the Nazi’s established military superiority in France in 1940.
7. Is “hot water bottle” a euphemism for a three way?
8. I’m confused now. We’ve established we’re in Britain, even got Hugh Grant to prove it, the music at the party is Celtic themed, but we’re clearly at a hoedown.
9.And now there’s a vaguely Asian dragon loose. Could this be the “white worm” of the title? God, I hope not.
10. Actually, the band isn’t half bad.
11. Man, Hugh Grant & Doctor Who are REALLY young!
12. So, there’s a legend of a local “dragon” who was slain by HG’s ancestor, Dr. Who finds a “dinosaur” skull, and no one has made the connect yet?
13. Oh, wait; Dr. Who just did!
14. Pickled earthworms are a local delicacy? Yeah…
15. 10 minutes in and this is my 15th note. I might have carpal tunnel by the time it’s over!
16. And Dr. Who has a companion! I’m assuming it’s “Sammi”.
17. Looks like the local police are the British equivalent of the Keystone Cops.
18. Woman in a white tricorner hat sucking venom from an overweight cop’s snakebite wound. Wasn’t expecting to see that today!
19. The horror movie stinger was used again. Does this mean Ken Russell is about?
20. OK! “Her Ladyship” just stole the dragon skull and proceeded to spit venom all over a crufix on her way out. Again, something I didn’t expect to see today.
21. Unless the cues are a ruse, this movie is about to be less one Princess.
22. And plus a lot of bad special effects.
24. She’s still alive! I can’t even describe the “dream” sequence she just had, though. Suffice to say, Ken Russell is going to Hell for more than one reason.
25. Kev the hitchhiker is either going to get laid or killed. Which it is will probably determine if this remains a horror film or becomes a porno.
26. Her Ladyship is wearing black lace bra & panties, but of course, they’re playing Snakes & Ladders. Why wouldn’t they?
27. In a real life situation, Kev probably would have creamed his shorts at this point.
28. And Kev just got his cock bitten by Her Ladyship’s snake fangs. OUCH! Guess it’s a horror film from here on out. Darn!
29. Exit Kev the hitchhiker!
30. Why do we keep picking movies that can so easily become porno’s?
31. I’ve now entered Hugh Grant’s “dream sequence”, aka sexual fantasy about flight attendants minus the sex.
32. The film is trying so hard to be arty and failing so miserably.
33. Ok, Hugh Grant’s bit with the pin while the ladies are wrestling in their flight attendant outfits was about as a subtle was a bout of food poisoning.
34. I think Peter the butler enjoys drawing Hugh’s bath a bit too much.
35. In real life, if some rich fop wanted three normal people to go exploring a cave with him based on a dream he had, they’d laugh until they peed their pants.
36. Our Yugoslavian Princess just left the group: He’s a gonner!
37. And she’s been hypnotized and kidnapped by Her Ladyship.
38. More boobies!!
39. Her Ladyship just ordered the Princess to disrobe! Suddenly this movie has gotten a lot more interesting!
40. This movie can’t decide if it’s a horror film, and art house movie, or a porno.
41. So much for the lesbian scene with Her Ladyship & the Princess. Damn you, movie!!
42. Hugh’s leaps of logic are astounding. They make those conspiracy theories we covered last year seem simple!
43. Peter the butler is one creepy old dude!
44. Of course Her Ladyship sleeps in a wicker basket! What kind of self-respecting snake-woman wouldn’t?
45. And we’ve gone artsy-fartsy again! Make up your mind movie!!!
46. Exit the creepy-ass butler!!
47. No comment on Hugh’s sword work.
48. I’m at a loss to describe the past few minutes of this film: a cock-eyed policeman with fangs and snake-eye contact lenses charmed by Dr. Who playing the bagpies in a kilt. Cause the Scots are renowned for their snake charming abilities, of course.
49. Now Dr. Who is shooting up. That explains a lot about the making of this movie.
50. More boobies!! This time Her Ladyship is also painted blue!
51. The Princess is still alive and in her underwear. Closest we’re gonna get to seeing Royal Boobies, regrettably.
52. This movie wants to be a porno so bad!
53. Dr. Who to the rescue!!
54. I’ve seen better monster effects in old Godzilla films.
55. Surprise, surprise! The Princess lived through the whole movie!
56. And a twist ending worthy of M. Night Shymalan. i.e., it’s sucks.