Pancho’s Notes from “Battle Beyond the Stars”

Howdy, folks!!!

Part of my prep for the B-Movie Review is taking notes while I’m watching the film.  I’ll be the first to admit, this is my vain attempt to pretend I work for Rifftrax or Mystery Science Theater 3000.  (I guy can dream, I guess.)  Anyway, my cohorts think they’re rather amusing, so I’m gonna share them with you.

Enjoy!

  • “A Roger Corman Production” always promises of quality.
  • I see they’re using the Battlestar Galactica font for the credits.
  • Well, the spaceship effects are not completely terrible. I don’t see any string, anyhow.
  • Can’t say the same thing about the interior of the spaceship, though.
  • I’d like a flashing alarm crystal for my home.
  • I’m fighting the urge to wipe whatever that is off John Saxon’s left eye.
  • Same for that mole on John-Boy’s face.
  • The ship trusts John-Boy? Oh, geez.
  • Sentient spaceship named Nell? Who thinks up this stuff?
  • I see Nell has lots of panels with blinking lights and a machine that goes ping!
  • I’ve counted at least four scenes blatantly ripped off from Star Wars and we’re only 10 minutes in.
  • And they’re using Battlestar Galactica sound effects, too. How creative.
  • The spaceship looks like Hammerhead from the Star Wars cantina.
  • We have lens flare! JJ Abrams must have been involved somehow.
  • Nice repurposing of a welders mask.
  • The door opening sound on the space station, doesn’t sound a thing like Darth Vader breathing. Of course not!
  • Yes, John-Boy, the creepy space station guy wants you to fuck his daughter. Is it that hard of a concept?
  • John-Boy’s fuck toy is a terrible actress.
  • It’s bad when the android is less wooden than your leading lady.
  • Dear God! Tell me that is not a Confederate flag on the side of that space ship?
  • And we have space redneck!
  • And he’s high as a kite! Wonderful.
  • I see they have three special effects for this scene.
  • Funny how the peace-loving farm boy from a civilization that only had two spaceships knows what all these hi tech weapons are.
  • Bad actress’ ship is being destroyed by red & blue flashing lens flares! Damn you JJ Abrams!!!
  • We seem to have stumbled into an S&M scene. Might make this film more interesting.
  • Wow! Mention John Saxon’s name & folks fall into line!
  • Nell quotes & disregards this “Varda” thing with reckless abandon
  • John-Boy with a gun is about as threatening as three day old kitten.
  • Being a Nestor must be really boring. And I’m sure painting that eye on every morning must be a pain.
  • It’s the annoying airhead from Newhart! Will the quality of actors in this movie ever stop?!
  • Dial-A-Drug. John-Boy high on crack would be interesting.
  • It’s the Man from Uncle, aka Teenage Caveman!
  • Wow, Robert Vaughn’s face is really crooked.
  • Robert Vaughn: cheapest mercenary in the galaxy!
  • Why don’t you put up the force field, Nell? You were perfectly fine with shooting the laser by yourself.
  • Holy Christ, what the hell is Sybil Danning is wearing?
  • She’s an even worse actress than the other woman.
  • Lizard man is the best actor in this pile of crap.
  • Credit where credit is due, the matte paintings are pretty good.
  • Wow, they didn’t forget any scene from Seven Samurai, did they?
  • The dirt on this planet sure does look like Folger’s Crystals.
  • Wow, this movie could be made into a porno so easy.
  • John-Boy will you just fuck that girl and get it over with, please?
  • Robert Vaughn must have looked back on his own role in The Magnificent Seven and thought to himself, “Wow, my best days are truly behind me”.
  • Cowboy, is it really a good idea to have a device sitting right over your crotch that dispenses liquid of that particular color?
  • A push button firing system? Have these people never heard of a joystick?
  • All these spaceships look alike. I can’t tell who the good guys are.
  • I would think a nuclear missile strike directly to the engine would have made a bigger boom than that.
  • Cowboy takes charge! Let’s hope these guys shoot better than the A-team.
  • For a race of farmers with no weapons, they guys sure do shoot good.
  • The bad guys used some sort of sonic weapon that causes massive ear bleeding. Must have played Justin Bieber at them.
  • Any why exactly does a blind man wander through a battle zone? To poignantly die, I suppose.
  • Sybil Danning’s acting is physically painful to me.
  • And so dies Robert Vaughn! But not to fear, there are cheezy commericals for law firms in his future.
  • If this movie were made 10 years later, I guarantee that Brent Spiner would have been one of the Nestor.
  • Whoa!!! John-Boy just showed an emotion!!!
  • Oh, boy. More awkward romance between John-Boy & whatshername.
  • John-Boy says he’s terrified. You can read it all over his blank, bland face.
  • Down goes Nestor!! Score one for the bad guys!
  • Sybil Danning’s scream would qualify as this episodes stinger. I’ve seen better acting from porn stars. And better fake screaming, too.
  • Lizardman’s name is Cayman. Guess Gator or Croc would have been too obvious.
  • I wonder if it says Space Cowboy on his birth certificate?
  • I guess they’ll have to write “Space Cowboy”on his tombstone since that’s the only name he seems to have.
  • Lizardman’s battle cry is almost as annoying as Justin Bieber. Almost.
  • John-Boy is pissed! You can read it all over his blank, bland face.
  • I thought the only way to deal with those missiles was to outrun them. John-Boy is shooting them down like clay pigeons.
  • Oh, darn! Nell is damaged! Maybe she’ll stop quoting and then ignoring this Varda thing.
  • Reversing the thrusters seems to be the cure to all ills in these movies.
  • And down goes Nell taking John Saxon with her/it. What a waste of time this one was. Think I’ll watch Seven Samurai to atone.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: