Pancho’s Notes from “Battle Beyond the Stars”

Howdy, folks!!!

Part of my prep for the B-Movie Review is taking notes while I’m watching the film.  I’ll be the first to admit, this is my vain attempt to pretend I work for Rifftrax or Mystery Science Theater 3000.  (I guy can dream, I guess.)  Anyway, my cohorts think they’re rather amusing, so I’m gonna share them with you.

Enjoy!

• “A Roger Corman Production” always promises of quality.
• I see they’re using the Battlestar Galactica font for the credits.
• Well, the spaceship effects are not completely terrible. I don’t see any string, anyhow.
• Can’t say the same thing about the interior of the spaceship, though.
• I’d like a flashing alarm crystal for my home.
• I’m fighting the urge to wipe whatever that is off John Saxon’s left eye.
• Same for that mole on John-Boy’s face.
• The ship trusts John-Boy? Oh, geez.
• Sentient spaceship named Nell? Who thinks up this stuff?
• I see Nell has lots of panels with blinking lights and a machine that goes ping!
• I’ve counted at least four scenes blatantly ripped off from Star Wars and we’re only 10 minutes in.
• And they’re using Battlestar Galactica sound effects, too. How creative.
• The spaceship looks like Hammerhead from the Star Wars cantina.
• We have lens flare! JJ Abrams must have been involved somehow.
• Nice repurposing of a welders mask.
• The door opening sound on the space station, doesn’t sound a thing like Darth Vader breathing. Of course not!
• Yes, John-Boy, the creepy space station guy wants you to fuck his daughter. Is it that hard of a concept?
• John-Boy’s fuck toy is a terrible actress.
• It’s bad when the android is less wooden than your leading lady.
• Dear God! Tell me that is not a Confederate flag on the side of that space ship?
• And we have space redneck!
• And he’s high as a kite! Wonderful.
• I see they have three special effects for this scene.
• Funny how the peace-loving farm boy from a civilization that only had two spaceships knows what all these hi tech weapons are.
• Bad actress’ ship is being destroyed by red & blue flashing lens flares! Damn you JJ Abrams!!!
• We seem to have stumbled into an S&M scene. Might make this film more interesting.
• Wow! Mention John Saxon’s name & folks fall into line!
• Nell quotes & disregards this “Varda” thing with reckless abandon
• John-Boy with a gun is about as threatening as three day old kitten.
• Being a Nestor must be really boring. And I’m sure painting that eye on every morning must be a pain.
• It’s the annoying airhead from Newhart! Will the quality of actors in this movie ever stop?!
• Dial-A-Drug. John-Boy high on crack would be interesting.
• It’s the Man from Uncle, aka Teenage Caveman!
• Wow, Robert Vaughn’s face is really crooked.
• Robert Vaughn: cheapest mercenary in the galaxy!
• Why don’t you put up the force field, Nell? You were perfectly fine with shooting the laser by yourself.
• Holy Christ, what the hell is Sybil Danning is wearing?
• She’s an even worse actress than the other woman.
• Lizard man is the best actor in this pile of crap.
• Credit where credit is due, the matte paintings are pretty good.
• Wow, they didn’t forget any scene from Seven Samurai, did they?
• The dirt on this planet sure does look like Folger’s Crystals.
• Wow, this movie could be made into a porno so easy.
• John-Boy will you just fuck that girl and get it over with, please?
• Robert Vaughn must have looked back on his own role in The Magnificent Seven and thought to himself, “Wow, my best days are truly behind me”.
• Cowboy, is it really a good idea to have a device sitting right over your crotch that dispenses liquid of that particular color?
• A push button firing system? Have these people never heard of a joystick?
• All these spaceships look alike. I can’t tell who the good guys are.
• I would think a nuclear missile strike directly to the engine would have made a bigger boom than that.
• Cowboy takes charge! Let’s hope these guys shoot better than the A-team.
• For a race of farmers with no weapons, they guys sure do shoot good.
• The bad guys used some sort of sonic weapon that causes massive ear bleeding. Must have played Justin Bieber at them.
• Any why exactly does a blind man wander through a battle zone? To poignantly die, I suppose.
• Sybil Danning’s acting is physically painful to me.
• And so dies Robert Vaughn! But not to fear, there are cheezy commericals for law firms in his future.
• If this movie were made 10 years later, I guarantee that Brent Spiner would have been one of the Nestor.
• Whoa!!! John-Boy just showed an emotion!!!
• Oh, boy. More awkward romance between John-Boy & whatshername.
• John-Boy says he’s terrified. You can read it all over his blank, bland face.
• Down goes Nestor!! Score one for the bad guys!
• Sybil Danning’s scream would qualify as this episodes stinger. I’ve seen better acting from porn stars. And better fake screaming, too.
• Lizardman’s name is Cayman. Guess Gator or Croc would have been too obvious.
• I wonder if it says Space Cowboy on his birth certificate?
• I guess they’ll have to write “Space Cowboy”on his tombstone since that’s the only name he seems to have.
• Lizardman’s battle cry is almost as annoying as Justin Bieber. Almost.
• John-Boy is pissed! You can read it all over his blank, bland face.
• I thought the only way to deal with those missiles was to outrun them. John-Boy is shooting them down like clay pigeons.
• Oh, darn! Nell is damaged! Maybe she’ll stop quoting and then ignoring this Varda thing.
• Reversing the thrusters seems to be the cure to all ills in these movies.
• And down goes Nell taking John Saxon with her/it. What a waste of time this one was. Think I’ll watch Seven Samurai to atone.