If you simply must put yourself through the torture of watching this film, here’s my guide to expect.

• Let the funkiness begin!!!
• I hear that Dolomite’s one bad mother… Wait! Wrong movie!
• Jerry Jones is in this movie! I’d always wondered where he got the money to buy the Dallas Cowboys.
• And he wrote the screen play!
• I’m waiting for Fred & Grady to show up in this opening scene.
• That’s one serious booty shaking there!
• Is this an action film for a stand-up comedy routine?
• STOP IT WITH THE JUMP CUTS!!! I’M GETTING WHIPLASH!
• The movie so far: bad jokes, jump cuts, wardrobe changes, and booty shaking. Where will it go from here?
• We have white woman!!
• And now she’s naked!
• Oh, dear God. I’m assuming at this point every white person in the film is going to be a stereotypically cracker.
• And one of them’s even named Jethro.
• The decal on the cop car looks like it’s made of cardboard.
• Was not expecting to see Dolomite doing a nude scene. And rolling down hill naked, too
• They cranked up the film speed for the chase scene. Seriously.
• Caught a glimpse of the Hollywood sign. Only thought redneck cops of this variety only existed south of the Mason-Dixon.
• One shotgun blast = two cars exploding.
• Dolomite says they’re gonna run to California. They’re already in California!!!
• First use of the word “honkey” 20min. In!
• Now they’re kidnapping a gay white guy and stealing his car. Please don’t let this guy be the comedy relief!
• Fat woman sitting on a toilet. Something else I didn’t expect to see.
• I didn’t expect such un-funky music scenes.
• Ok, that’s better. What any of this has to do with the “plot” is beyond me.
• We got boobies!! White woman boobies! That’s two sets so far!
• Make that three sets.
• What in the name of God is going on here?
• Whoa!! I just recognized Ernie Hudson! Didn’t think he was ever this young!
• They didn’t actually have a script for this movie did they? I’m convinced they’re just making this shit up.
• Second honkey reference at 39min!!
• I’m waiting for Sly Stone to show up.
• Now we’ve wandered into an S&M film. Least I don’t expect a plot in one of those.
• Dolomite’s suit looks like it was made from fabric store remnants.
• Four sets!! CORRECTION! Make that full frontal!
• And they’re working out on the bed. Naked. No, not fucking, actually working out. Naked.
• OK, now they’re fucking.
• Oh, boy! Redneck sheriff is still alive!
• Of course the detective’s vacation started two hours ago. I’ll bet he’s two weeks from retirement, too.
• Queen Bee has a push button phone! That was the height of ’70’s telephone technology.
• Dolomite conducts seriously negotiations with Tyrone Biggums.
• So, the bad guy’s wife is a nympho? Bet I know where this is headed.
• What the ever lasting fuck is going on here? It’s like we’ve wandered into the dream sequence from Twin Peaks!
• OK, I’ll admit, I didn’t expect that.
• I love how Queen Bee has a token white girl.
• Well, our real life martial arts expert has shown up. The bodies ought to start piling up soon.
• And they sped up the fight scenes too. Jesus.
• Either Dolomite is making karate sound effects or having a stroke. Hard to figure which.
• Meanwhile, back in the bondage film…
• “Don’t touch me! There’s a live grenade between my legs”
• If the girls were such bad asses, how did they end up in that S&M film?
• OK. There’s a white guy in a speedo wielding nunchucks. You just can’t make this shit up!
• Something is happening here, but I’m not sure what.
• Looks like the massive, movie-ending fight is starting. Strap in everyone!
• 1hr 23min in before the martial arts guy does anything. Pretty sad.
• Ernie Hudson is kicking ass at least!
• Looks like Dolomite is having a stroke again.
• Red shag carpet just screams the ’70’s!
• Muhammed Ali could teach Dolomite a thing or two about poetry.
• Again, stuff is happening, but I can’t figure out what.
• Wow. That ending made no sense at all.