Maybe I am feeling sentimental today or maybe it is the thoughts of Spring slowly creeping its way in that’s got me thinking of the past. The change of the seasons has always made me a bit moody and this year is no exception. I don’t want to go into this diatribe on how better things were when I was younger. I have never subscribed to that. I saw enough of that attitude with my father and it really annoyed me. His life was a series of clips from the past that made him feel old and unwanted. The actual truth of the matter was that he hated being old and he would rather live in the days gone by than in the present. It was hard on everyone around me. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t think I am. It makes no sense to mourn the past at the cost of your present. You get nowhere with that attitude.
All that being said, I do long for a few things. I do long for the free time I had as a kid and teenager. I do miss my imagination. It was my best friend as a kid. We have long since parted ways and the thought of that does make me a little sad. I miss my mom. We were just getting to know each other when she died. I don’t mean in a sense that she was missing in my life, just that I was finally out-growing that obnoxious high school demeanor and trying to find my way and appreciating my family. We were talking and caring about each other as adults. She was taken way too soon. I miss that innocence of a child. It is hard for me not to look at things with Cynic-colored glasses anymore. I do miss when all of my friends stood as one. Time and attitude has changed that and the less said about that part the better. I know who my close friends really are and I am grateful for them.
I don’t want this to turn into this sad, “I hate my life” type of rant. I don’t hate my life. I am in a rut at the moment, but I am better off in a lot of ways than I was as a kid. I am not this emotional train wreck that limps along feeling sorry for himself. I just would like for me to have more control over me. Time and age may change your body, but it shouldn’t change your attitude. I might be growing older, but I am not growing up and I personally like it that way. I just find it harder to recapture that feeling of youth, but it is out there, just waiting for me to slip it on like an old favorite sweater. The sweater might be worn and faded because of time, but it does keep you just as warm and makes you feel as good as it always has. The thing is, you have to hunt a little harder in the closet to find it.
Thanks for reading,