Pancho’s Notes for Death Race 2000

Here’s my viewing guide for this stinker if anyone wants to punish themselves by watching it.

1. Roger Corman & David Carradine! This should be PAINFUL!!!
2. Opening credits look like they were done by an elementary school art class.
3. Well, the first minute is certainly weird enough: a high school band plays the Star Spangled Banner at a stadium, a guy watching is holding a Nazi flag, and then the Pope steps up to bless everyone. This is gonna be a roller coaster ride!!!
4. The Pope is wearing ribbons that also look like they were made by elementary school art class.
5. This movie is so ’70’s! It’s like watching Saturday Night Fever with race cars.
6. Five minutes in and I like no one in this film so far.
7. They really reached deep to come up with character names for this one: Calamity Jane, Mr. Frankenstein, Nero.
8. And we have young Sly Stallone wearing a pink tie!
9. Seriously, David Carradine is playing a guy named Frankenstein who dresses like The Gimp from Pulp Fiction. The jokes just write themselves!!
10. Correction: The Gimp from Pulp Fiction wearing a Darth Vader helmet.
11. Actually, it’s the helmet from the robot in Metropolis. I’ve got that movie poster on my wall, so I can confirm this!
12. This movie is like a head on collision of Mad Max and Cannonball Run.
13. I see where they got the idea for the old video game Carmeggedon.
14. So, the drivers in this “race”get extra points for taking out spectators (hence the Carmeggedon reference). One guy was just playing matador with one of the drivers. Like that would happen!
15. The old lady in this movie sounds like Julia Child.
16. No boobies yet, but this one lady has hers all but hanging out! C’mon Corman, I know you can do this!!
17. Jesus Christ. The resistance’s TV jamming device is a Jacob’s Ladder.
18. We have naked people, but they’re positioned in such a way as not to see anything. Roger, I’m disappointed in you.
19. Disregard that last post!! We have boobies!!!
20. And Rocky just punched a woman. Lovely.
21. Frankenstein has a stalker! Maybe Rocky will punch her, too.
22. Why do I get the feeling this isn’t the first or last time David Carradine wore a full body rubber suit?
23. It’s amazing how easily this could be turned into an S&M porno.
24. More boobies!!! Third set so far!
25. David Carradine just ran over the Pope!!  Time to call the Conclave!!
26. I shudder to think how gory this would be if it were a Troma film.
27. Rocky seems to have an anger management issue.
28. I’ll bet they wrecked as many cars filming this as in a season of the Dukes of Hazard.
29. New Mexico in this film looks an awful lot like Southern California.
30. Roger Corman’s movies are notorious for being padded out with walking scenes. In this one, it’s pointless driving scenes. Again, like The Dukes of Hazzard.
31. And the Nazi drivers were dispatched in a way right out of a Roadrunner cartoon. That’s original!!
32. Oh Dear God, I think that’s Ray Jay Johnson!!!
33. Rocky needs to take a stress pill.
34. Rocky vs. Frankenstein!! He tried to kill me with a forklift!!!
35. They must have gone through gallons of ketchup to make the blood in this film.
36. That’s all right, Rocky! You’ll beat him in the sequel.
37. I really want to punch the all the media people in this movie. And the director. And Roger Corman.
38. And they just killed the one character I vaguely liked. Thanks movie!!!
39. And Frankenstein just slipped his lady a roofie. How appropriate.
40. And I believe they cranked up the film speed to show action! Shades of Human Tornado?
41. I wish she would make up her mind if she wants to fall in love with Frankenstein or kill him.
42. Frankenstein has a hand grenade built into his hand. Honestly, you can’t make this stuff up!
43. Favorite line: “Why do I want to win this race? In the name of HATE!”
44. And so dies Rocky! He can be angry in heaven now.
45. That’s how you always want to end a movie: a shot right into David Carradine’s hairy armpit.