Well that is how I am feeling anyway. I have been meaning to post something on this blog not just to try and entertain the masses, but to kindle some sort of spark of creativity in myself. I am hoping by the very act of writing and stringing together some thoughts, I can reignite something in myself that will take my mind away from the day to day thoughts that consume me. These are not thoughts of sadness and despair, but of just the day to day drudgery that is life. Maybe it isn’t even correct to call them thoughts. Maybe it is more of a lack of thinking and lack of feeling than anything else. There is a fog that surrounds my brain that sends me down the road with a type of cruise control. I find as I get older, that the random ideas and creative thoughts of my youth have been replaced with thoughts of how fast can I get home and turn off my brain, escape work and life. I feel like a sheep that has this large, rabid border collie that is directing me from field to field. I can’t stray from the path or I will get my ankles nipped. I know this is controlled by me. I am the one who can change that path, the one who can take the road less traveled. It becomes harder with age. You put more filters and blinders on the older you get. You strain out things that do not feel like they pertain to you as you move further away from them . What I mean as we get older, most of us, lose that drive, that reckless abandon that we had in our youth. We move more towards a comfort zone that keeps us feeling safe. It separates us from the world with this granite wall that nothing can cross over. We allow nothing new in and in turn, let nothing new out.
These are First World Problems I know. I have the luxury of not having to worry about my next meal or where the rent will come from. However, they are still there, churning and swirling like this maelstrom that is pulling me closer to its center. Some say religion is the solution. Some say psychology. Hell, maybe I just need a vacation. I just don’t know. I would love to feel things again like I did when I was younger. I would love to see the world with some sense of wonder and feel lost in the complexity that is my relationship with the world and my place in it. Maybe I will find it again one day. Maybe writing these lines will resuscitate the younger me that is hiding in this 43 year old body. We will have to wait and see!
Thanks for reading,