Good evening all! I hope everyone is doing well. I know it has been a while since my last post. My hiatus has been more about laziness and my lack direction. Lately I can’t seem to muster up enough concentration for more than 5 minutes at a time on anything. About the only thing lately I have spending any lengthy amount of time on is video games I think that is because I can just do that without any real focus, just plug and play so to speak.
I have been thinking a lot about what I want to say, what I want this blog to represent. Do I want it to be another pop culture source? Snarky reviews of bad movies, music I like or television? Do I want it to be a place to showcase my writing as far as my poetry goes or maybe the occasional short story? Do I want it to be political or just an observer’s view of the world around me. I have read a few articles concerning blogs and they state that you need to be focusing on a subject, some sort of goal to work towards. I suppose that is true. I have been reading a lot of blog posts and there are some fine writers that just write about everything. I really envy just having the drive to do this every day. I know very few people read my posts and that is fine. I am not looking to make money from this or to have any recognition. It is meant to be a therapy for me. My depression has been a strong influencer in my life for the past 20 plus years. I am not making an excuse, but it is there. I can’t hide from it. Some days are worse than others. Lately it has been worse than normal. There is something inside of me holding back and making me not write like I want. I have discussed that before with my music in previous posts. It’s making myself do this and once I start writing, I do tend to find I can ramble on for quite a while.
I have these brief moments of creativity during the day. I think of a subject that would make a good blog post, but yet I don’t write about it later. I shrug it off at times and just blame it on being tired after a long work day. Nothing kills creativity and the willingness to write for me than real life. I have really guided myself into thinking these pursuits are not worth it. It brings no monetary value, then why do it? That is with anything. A mortgage, light bill, water bill, credit cards, etc…these things have killed the creative person in me. It’s probably more likely that I have killed that person slowly over the years. I am trying to plant those seeds again. It is hard some days. I am working on fighting my depression. I am working on just trying to find myself again after all these years. The focus is hard to come by. The concentration is harder to find, but I am working on it. I know I will never be some great writer, but I do want my voice out there. I suppose it’s vanity, some of it is my small portion of immortality, maybe it just the only way I can be myself.
So be patient with me and I will do my best to get out here and write more. It will come, but I am sure it will be slow and it will be all over the place. Now with that I need to go chase some butterflies.