I’ve been in a funk for the last few days. It crept in and kind of caught me by surprise. Ever had a day where you take stock of things and you don’t like what you see? Some days it’s easier to see the thinks you lack and not the things you have. I guess this is part of the whole mid-life crisis that I’m going through. This week is really the first time I felt that time is slipping away. I’m not old, but I am closer to 50 than I care to be. This has been a rough week as things go, but that normally doesn’t slow me down that much, but I think it has been this particular combination of events that have affected me personally. I applied for a new job, nothing spectacular, basically what I do now but with a different company. That in itself doesn’t bother me, but what hit me is that I’ll be working at least another 20 years in whatever drab job I end up finding. I’ll go into this in another post. Now I just want to concentrate on this week. Another thing that happened is that my wife and I went to visit a former co-worker of hers who is now in hospice. She had kidney and liver failure and has about a month to live. Now let me say I don’t want to turn this person’s situation into something about me. I feel so bad for her and her family. It’s just that seeing her and knowing she will be passing made me realize just how short and fragile our time is on this planet. We don’t know what condition we will end up with over time. Another thing that happened that’s hit me hard, but in a financial way, was the fact I had to pay $1500 to get my car fixed. That was an expense I was not expecting. Add on to the day to day of doing a job I hate and it’s just been a collection of situations that hit me and I wasn’t ready.
The one thought that anchors me and scares me at the same time is the idea that time is the only commodity in your life that really counts. Time has real value. Not just the time that you get paid for at work, but the time you have when you’re away from work. You can make, create, live, love and have your life and time is the commodity that you use to pay for those actions. Do I spend my time worrying about insecurities I have or do I spend my time trying to resolve these things. I have chosen to write about it, using my time to write everything out and try to plant some sort of seed of a solution. Just remember time is a limited commodity, it will eventually run out. Use it wisely no matter your age. I’m sure in a couple more days I’ll get to feeling better, but for now I have a lot to think about.